First Man Page 10

  Ember sat next to me. “I’m sorry,” she said, with the slight stiffness to her voice that comes from having no true experience of loss.

  “It was a long time ago.”

  She took my hand, twining her long fingers though my own. Her head rested against my shoulder, and we just sat together, the room silent except for the low hum of the stereo.

  The words came from nowhere as we hovered between sleep and wakefulness, ripping apart the illusion of safely and surety we had built over the last month. “We have to end this,” Ember whispered, and my arms tightened around her waist.

  “Why?” It was barely a breath, but she heard the hurt in my voice.

  She twisted in my embrace until she was facing me. “Because someone is going to find out and this is all going to blow up in our faces.”

  “I really could give a damn.”

  “You’re such a liar,” she countered. “You love your job.”

  I sighed. “Only when I’m blessed with students who actually care about more than just passing.”

  “I’m serious, Adam.”

  “So was I.” I absently coiled a lock of her pale hair around his finger. “I know I should be noble and put a stop to this for both our sakes, but I. . . can’t.”

  “You won’t,” she corrected.

  “No, I can’t.” I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose against the impending headache. “I love you, Ember. Not because you’re beautiful or sexy or whatever adjective you can think of.”

  “Then why?” she interrupted.

  I laughed bitterly, nothing more than a soundless escape of air. “Because the alternative is unthinkable.”

  “I do think about it.” Some look of hurt must have crossed my face before I could conceal it. Her expression softened. “Not the way you’re thinking. I don’t want this to end anymore than you do, Adam.” She blinked, and I could see the faint glint of moisture in her eyes. “I love you because you’re a sarcastic ass sometimes and you’re the smartest person I know, and when you kiss me, I can’t breathe. But we both know how this story is going to end!”

  “We’re careful.”

  “Yes,” she agreed. “We’re careful. But it just takes one slip-up. One moment where we forget about the rest of the world, and your life here is over.”

  I knew she was right. If either of us had possessed any amount of foresight we would have ended it then and there. I was a grown man who should have been able to hold his lust in check for the scant few months she had left until graduation, but when she looked at me illusions of propriety faded into nothingness.

  Ember didn’t force the issue, and the words spoken in darkness and fear were forgotten by morning.

  The words weren’t forgotten though, not really.

  They hovered in my mind as I went through the banal routines of my life. She was right, of course. Familiarity had made us both grown bolder, the discretion we promised ourselves fading into nothing when need took hold.

  The thesis was finished, a neatly bound copy resting on my desk. Ember’s obsession with the paper had pushed up her timetable, and, just like with the first draft, she’d finished a week early. I’d spent the past few days searching for any journals to submit it to, wanting to give her the validation of seeing the work in print.

  Her graduation was crawling closer with each day. Any time without her would be torment, but she was still right. Melodrama suited neither of us, but love makes fools and poets of us all.

  For weeks, I poked at that thought, worrying at it like a sore tooth before and elderly neighbor’s innocent question forced the issue.

  “This ends now,” I said, finality in my voice like a gavel's echo at a sentencing. I saw the look immediately flash in her eyes, saw the stubbornness that I had grown to adore. I had always liked the challenge, but not this time. This time, I wished she was docile and easy to get along with. She wasn’t, and that was why I loved her.

  “No.” No reasoning, just a simple refusal, an acknowledgment of how things would not be. I opened my mouth to state more empty protests that made so much sense when she wasn’t standing in front of him with lips that looked like pink vinyl and sin and perfection. “You’re such a hypocrite sometimes.”

  “What are you talking about?” Genuine incomprehension.

  “What I mean is, I tried to give you an out weeks ago, and you didn’t take it. You didn’t want to take then, and you don’t want to take it now.”

  “I wasn’t aware there was an expiration date,” I snapped. One unfortunate side effect of living in a sleepy little town was the inevitable gossip. Bad weather and too much free time meant that Ember’s comings and goings to my apartment weren’t as clandestine as we both imagined. I had the unfortunate luck to live on the same floor as an elderly woman who made it her duty to watch the front door and make a note of everyone who entered.

  “Pretty girl you’re seeing,” she had said to me on the stairs that morning. “Looks a bit young for you though. She looks a bit familiar to me. What’s her name?”

  I’d stammered an excuse about being late and hurried to my car. I doubted the old woman had meant anything by it, but all it would take was one comment overheard by the wrong person about the tall blonde seen sneaking in and out of my apartment at all hours of the night.

  Ember sat down on my desk, looking unimpressed. “She’s an old lady. No one’s going to pay any attention to a thing she says.”

  “No one needs to pay attention, but all it takes is a rumor.”

  “You worry too much.” Ember grabbed to front of my shirt and pulled me closer, and my traitorous brain forgot everything except how conveniently flat my desk was.

  “What do you think you’re doing?” I asked warily, as her hands began a slow decent down my chest.

  “Nothing at all,” Ember replied, though her actions belied those words. “Everything started in here, and I’m not going to let myself graduate without doing this at least once.” She tried and failed for a look of wide-eyed innocence. “Should I call you ‘Professor?’” she asked coyly.

  “I’d rather you didn’t,” I murmured, relaxing under her gentle touch.

  “But maybe I want to.” Ember’s playful tone made every thought of being found out slip from my mind. The thick sweaters were finally stowed away for good as the last threads of winter gave way to spring. She wore a simple white button-down shirt over a deep plum skirt that swirled around her knees. “See something you like?”

  “Many many things.” One by one, I unfastened those small white buttons, revealing the pale lace of her bra. I glanced at the door, double checking that it was firmly shut before turning my attention back to the siren reclining on my desk.

  “I’ve thought about this a lot, Professor,” she purred. “This desk.” She ran her hand along the smooth surface of the wood. “What we could do with it. I’m surprised it took us this long.”

  “The last thing I wanted was for you to think of me as your teacher anymore than you already did.” Ember lifted one long leg into the air, hooking the heel of her black boot around my hip and drawing me closer.

  The look on her face softened briefly before returning to that teasing expression. “You won’t be my teacher much longer. Soon this will just be a story we tell at dinner parties.”

  We hadn’t talked of the future much. It was unspoken that Ember would leave for college in the fall, but beyond that nothing. We both still lived in these stolen moments, and speaking of more seemed to risk blighting our future before it had the chance to grow.

  Pressed between the warmth of her thighs, the future slipped away and the past was forgotten. Ember made quick work of my belt and then it was all heat and gasps. The hard surface of the desk couldn’t have been comfortable, but if it bothered Ember, she certainly didn’t show it. The heavy desk groaned under our movement, and we were so lost in each other that neither of us noticed the click of the door opening and closing just as quickly.

  Just like that, it was over.

/>   A sharp rap sounded on my door. “Just a moment,” I replied, shuffling through the stack of tests I needed to finish grading tonight. Ember had left an hour ago to study for the first of her finals.

  “Adam.” I glanced up to see the principal standing in my doorway, regarding me with a cold expression on his face. “We need to talk.”

  My blood froze at those words. ‘He knows,” my mind screamed. Somehow I managed to keep my voice steady and my face calm. “Certainly sir. What seems to be the problem?”

  Principal Geoff Moore pulled the door closed behind him and sat down in the chair opposite my desk, a pained look on his face.

  “There have been. . . allegations, Adam,” he began, watching my expression warily. “About improper conduct with a student. I need you tell me if they’re true of if it’s just a case of a teenager not liking you and failing to understand the damage an accusation like this can do.”

  In three years, I’d developed a good rapport with the man. We weren’t close, but he’d always been a fair employer who genuinely seemed to want what was best for the school and the students. I respected him far too much to lie.

  If I denied it, an inquest was inevitable. My every action would be scrutinized and Ember’s reputation would be dragged down with me.

  “It’s true,” I said, those two quiet words becoming the final nail in my coffin.

  “Dammit Adam!” Principal Moore’s pained look had changed to one of disgust in the blink of an eye. I’d gone from being a colleague, potentially victimized by a vindictive teenager to a predator in the space of a minute. After the outburst, he sobered immediately, and I could see the wheels turning in his mind of how best to avoid a scandal. “Is it Ember Pierson?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well at least there’s the small miracle that she’s eighteen,” he spat. “You couldn’t have kept it in your pants for a few more months until she graduated?”

  I didn’t bother replying. There was nothing I could say to defend my actions. Love wasn’t an excuse.

  “You’re fired. Effective immediately. I want your office and classroom cleared out within an hour.”

  I nodded numbly, wondering what I would tell Ember.

  “The girl’s parents will be notified. If you try to see her again, the school will press charges.”

  “I’ll leave town,” I said. “I’ll leave tonight but keep her name out of this. She earned every grade I ever gave her.” A flicker of loathing crossed his face, and my anger cut through the cloud of numbness. “Don’t do that. Think whatever you want about me, but leave her out of it.”

  He shook his head. “If you cared so much about her reputation, you should have thought about that before you screwed one of your students. It’s our responsibility to inform her parents about something like this.” Principal Moore rose from the chair tossing the words, “I’ll be back in an hour to escort you off the property” over his shoulder as he stalked away.

  The door had barely closed and my phone was in my hand, dialing the familiar number. It rang and rang, finally playing her voicemail message, “You’ve reached Ember. Leave me a message or leave me alone!”

  I barely recognized my own voice when I spoke. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for what’s about to happen. I love you, Ember. Don’t doubt that for one moment. Everything between us was real, but I have to leave. This is your home, and I won’t be the person that turns you into a bloody cautionary tale that gets thrown around in the faculty lounge.” I paused, trying to hold it together and failing miserably. “You deserve a lot more than an emotionally damaged idiot like me. Go have that amazing life you talked about and forget me.”

  I pressed End Call and stared at the dark screen before turning the phone off. I didn’t trust myself to ignore the calls I’d inevitably be receiving as soon as she heard that message.

  It barely took me ten minutes to pack up the few personal items I kept in my office. I stuffed a copy of Ember’s thesis into my bag before walking out without another backward glance, alone.

  I stood frozen in the doorway of my apartment an hour later, a duffle bag stuffed with my essentials slung over my shoulder.

  I’d walked away from dozens of apartments like this without a backward glance. I’d even been able to leave Lily with no more than a note. Somehow in the last years these four walls had become home. The shock and numbness that had kept me going through the mechanical process of packing had finally worn off.

  I’d spent my entire life moving and avoiding the ties that bound normal people to each other and to places. Somehow that cocky nomad had genuinely changed in the last few years of Northeastern domesticity. Nearly four years in the same spot would have driven the old Adam mad, but, backed into a corner with no other options but to turn tail and run, I was rooted to the spot.

  She would hate me for this. Ember despised weakness and hypocrisy in all its forms with the desperate vehemence of youth. If the roles had been reversed, she would have stayed and fought for us until nothing remained of our lives but scorched earth. She probably would have won in the end, but what would the cost have been?

  She was leaving for college in August, to spend her days inside the stately brick halls of Boston University. She would finally be someplace where her passion and drive to learn was the norm instead of an anomaly.

  Ember would make friends that had more in common than mere proximity and familiarity. She might even find love.

  The sharp pain that accompanied that idle thought took my breath away, but that was, after all, what I wanted. Everyone I touched ended up in ruins. I had never truly stopped blaming myself for Lily’s death, and this had become my chance to make it right. Ember was still whole, her young life unbroken.

  The life with her that I’d scarcely allowed myself to dream of had already crumbled to dust around me. All I had left to do was let it go.

  I walked away.

  SCORCHED EARTH

  Ember

  There was nothing different about the moment I pushed open the door to Adam’s apartment that day. No creaking hinges or flickering florescent light bulbs signified his absence, but I felt it anyway.

  Finals were starting in a few days, and I was sprawled on my bedroom floor studying my physics notes. A burned copy of one of Adam’s albums was blaring electronica from my stereo. Buried in my backpack, I never heard the buzz of my phone or the saw Adam’s name flashing on my screen. I didn’t notice anything but my notes and the beat of the music until my father pushed open my door and snapped the stereo off.

  “Sorry, was it too loud?” my voice trailed off when I saw my parents. My mother’s mascara was streaked under eyes bloodshot from crying. My father’s jaw was clenched so hard I wondered if his teeth would crack.

  “Get your things. We’re going to the school,” my father ordered, his voice clipped. My stomach sank. ‘Adam,’ I thought.

  “Can one of you please tell me what this is about?” I asked, trying to keep my voice steady.

  My mother spoke up, finally breaking out of the tear-stained daze. “I think you know what it’s about, Ember. That filthy pervert teacher of yours.” She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me, and I breathed in the warm ginger scent of her shampoo, hating that I had to break her heart and shatter her illusion of my innocence in all this.

  “Not a pervert, Mom. Not a predator or any other words you’re thinking of.” I glanced at my father out of the corner of my eye and saw him glowering at me. No matter what I said, Adam would still be the creep who violated his baby girl. “Everything that went on between the two of us was consensual, and nothing happened before I turned 18.”

  If my dad registered my words, he didn’t show it. “Get your coat. We’re leaving now.”

  Obediently I shrugged into my coat, quickly grabbing my phone from my backpack and shoving it in my pocket before they noticed. I sat quietly in the back of my parents’ car as we backed out of the garage. My dad paused at the end of the street and for the first time in my life I was
thankful for his overly cautious driving, as I pushed open the door and climbed out.

  “Ember! Get your ass back in the car this instant!” My father’s livid voice followed me as I sprinted down the street.

  I ran. Lungs burning, legs aching I ran like every fantastical monster I’d spent the last months studying was on my heels. I ducked down a side street, and, once I was satisfied that my parents weren’t following me, I fished my phone out of my pocket.

  One missed call.

  I held the phone to my ear and listed to Adam’s shaky voice. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for what’s about to happen. I love you, Ember. Don’t doubt that for one moment. Everything between us was real, but I have to leave.” I fought the urge to throw the phone as I listened to him babbling about how I deserved better.

  I punched end and called Adam back. Unsurprisingly, the call went right to voicemail.

  “Dammit Adam!” I said, not bothering to try to hide the tears in my voice. “You do not get to make this decision for both of us. My parents, you, apparently the school too – they all think they get to decide what’s best for me, but no one bothered to ask me what I want.” I was almost two miles from Adam’s house with no keys, so I started walking. “I’m graduating in three weeks, Adam! I don’t care what they think of me!”

  Three weeks. We’d been so close.

  “Please, Adam. Don’t do this.” I didn’t care that I was begging and acting like the silly teenager I’d worked so hard to convince him I wasn’t. “Don’t walk away from us.”

  Crying into a phone wouldn’t do either of us any good if he refused to answer it, so I did the only thing I could do at this point.

  I hung up the phone.

  And I ran.

  You always hear stories about the way people can pull incredible feats of strength or daring out of nowhere when someone they love is in jeopardy, like a mom lifting a car off her toddler. I’d always scoffed at them, writing them off as feel-good filler used to pad out a slow news day.