First Man Read online

  It wasn’t Adam. What hung between us in those short winter days wasn’t even a concrete fantasy, and I was far too practical to hinge my whole future on the idle urge to kiss my teacher.

  I had stared at the stack of crisp white letters with the word Yes printed at the top of each page. Washington DC, New York, Seattle, New Orleans. . . so many possible futures stared up at me from those pages. So many potential Embers. Who would I be at each one of those places? Who would I become?

  Tucked at the bottom of the stack like an afterthought was Boston. I had plucked it out of the pile and stared at that page, telling myself that ‘maybe I wasn’t finished being this Ember just yet.’

  And that was it. I’d gone on a tour with my parents, listening to the enthusiastic junior leading the group of wide-eyed students and nostalgic parents. I’d snapped photos of the tall buildings and tried to imagine if I’d feel any different living in one of those high-rises, all the while quietly promising myself that the next time I’d go farther away. Next time I’d go someplace really different. Just not yet.

  Not yet.

  I glanced at my watch and saw that I’d been wandering through the courtyard for close to thirty minutes. Slowly, I meandered my way back to the entrance, picking my way around the muddy patches. I pushed open the door and walked into the warm hallway, my boots leaving a faint trail of slush behind me.

  Adam’s office was only a few doors down. I peeked my head into the small room, my skin still flushed from the cold. “Finished?” I asked, unable to keep the expectancy out of my voice.

  “I am. Come in and sit down.” For once, the heavy desk wasn’t between us. Adam was leaning against the edge of his desk as he flipped through the pages with a pleased look on his face.

  I pushed the door shut behind me, shrugging out of my coat and scarf and dropping them on that hard wooden chair I’d already spent so many hours in, almost vibrating with anticipation as I waited for Adam’s verdict. I couldn’t have sat down if I wanted to.

  “It’s very good, Ember.” I instantly relaxed, tension I hadn’t even realized I’d been holding draining out of me. “There are definitely a few parts where you wander off topic a bit, and it needs some editing, but for a for a first draft it’s excellent.” My face had broken into a wide grin and the smile spread to Adam.

  I looked up and saw his soft brown eyes watching me with an unreadable expression. That same spark flared between us again as we both realized how close we were standing to each other. I could smell the warm spicy scent of his aftershave and a faint aroma of damp wool from his sweater.

  I’d played at being the bad girl and paid the price. Life as a good girl hadn’t been much more rewarding. Maybe it was time to just be Ember. Any moment the bell might ring or another teacher might knock on the door and shatter this frozen moment between us. Before that could happen, my brain said, ‘to hell with it’ and I crossed those last few inches between us and pressed my lips to his.

  Time stopped.

  Adam froze still as a statue, his lips dry and unyielding beneath my own. I almost expected him to shove me away, stammering something about how wrong this was, but I felt the tension drain out of his body.

  He kissed me back. His arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me closer, and his lips parted beneath mine. Adam tasted like coffee and cinnamon gum, and I forgot that he was my teacher and fifteen years my senior. His hands skated over my hips, and I shivered when his fingers brushed the sliver of bare skin where my sweater met my jeans.

  He pulled back just long enough to whisper, “Ember,” just a breath against my lips. He kissed me again, and the hunger of the first kiss had faded into a slower burn. It was a kiss that told me I wasn’t the only one who’d thought about this moment, consciously or unconsciously. It was a kiss that promised me that we’d be kissing many many more times.

  The bell rang and we both jumped apart as though we’d been burned. I glanced back at the door, and, satisfied that it was still firmly shut, took a step closer to Adam.

  “We can’t,” he said, softly and without conviction.

  “I know. But I still want to.” His eyes were cast down at the floor, looking anywhere but at me. “Adam, look at me.” He did, and I could see the emotions whirling through his eyes – desire and fear all mixed up with a healthy dose of guilt. “I have to go to class, but I’ll come by here after school gets out. We can talk then.” I stared at Adam until he nodded, still looking shocked at his actions and my own.

  Without giving him time to tell me no, I kissed him again. Nothing more than a quick peck, it was still a promise that whatever happened in the future, I didn’t regret that kiss.

  FORBIDDEN FRUIT

  Adam

  She kissed me.

  Ember. . . kissed me, and I kissed her back.

  As a man who prides himself on being articulate, I can’t remember the last time I was rendered completely speechless.

  She walked into my office, her cheeks pink from the wind, her blue eyes watching me warily she waited for me to deliver my initial assessment of her paper. I don’t know how she could have thought, even for a moment, that I would have been anything but pleased. Rough draft or not, her ideas were sound and well-executed. She was the sort of student a teacher would hope to get once in their career.

  We’d been standing so close as we discussed her paper, far closer than any sense of propriety would have allowed, but hour after hour in her presence had worn down my defenses.

  She took a step closer, and I could smell her perfume, a smoky scent with a backdrop of some type of berry, juicy and lush. Thank goodness it wasn’t apples. I had enough thoughts of forbidden fruit racing through my head.

  A better man would have recognized what was simmering between us and seen that mutual admiration had grown into a dangerous attraction. I never claimed to be a better man.

  When her lips touched mine, I suddenly understood every overwrought cliché I’d ever read. Did fireworks explode behind my eyes? No, and there were no dulcet choirs singing her praises either. There was only her and that soft red sweater and her lips that were still chilled from the March air.

  Her mouth met mine, and I was lost. The resolve I’d been trying to muster crumbled, and my hands moved on their own volition, pulling her closer to me. I held her body sung against my own, and we fit together like two jagged puzzle pieces. Her hands wrapped around my shoulders, and, for the first time since arriving in New Hampshire I didn’t feel impossibly tall.

  Oxygen was rapidly becoming an issue, so I pulled back, just enough to breathe her name against her mouth, and I almost laughed at the perfect irony of her name. Ember. She was truly a lovely way to burn.

  That infernal bell rang, shattering the illusion of solitude we’d created in the each other’s arms with the crashing sound of reality.

  She was a student.

  She was my student.

  “We can’t.” I hated saying the words, and I didn’t bother trying to hide my relief when she immediately brushed off my concerns.

  “I know. But I still want to.” I tried to look anywhere but her face, knowing that I couldn’t look at her and tell her that this meant nothing. “Adam look at me.” I couldn’t deny her anything, and her face was far from the storm of emotions I was certain mine reflected.

  She looked calm, even serene. Her lips were red, looking bitten and well-kissed. The flush across her cheeks wasn’t from the cold March air anymore. She said something about coming back after classes ended to talk but I barely registered her words.

  She surprised me with another kiss, short and almost chaste, and then she was gone.

  I closed the door behind her, shutting out the din of the students changing classes, and sank down into my chair, my mind reeling.

  “What the hell did you do, Adam?” I muttered to myself, wishing I was the type of person who kept a flask in his desk, 11AM hour be damned.

  She was so young. Eighteen or not, she was my student. My job was to teach her, but
all I could think of was getting her back in this room, locking the door and taking her on my desk.

  That kiss had broken the dam within me, and every emotion and illicit thought that had crossed my mind about Ember came flooding to the surface. The way she bit her lip when she concentrated. The subtle sway of her hips when she walked. The endless fuzzy sweaters she wore.

  How long had this been brewing between us?

  I felt like a fool for not noticing it. She lingered in my office far longer than was necessary for our meetings, showing up after school ended for the day and even popping in for a quick hello between classes. And I’d been made happy by those visits and the lively conversations that followed them.

  One of us had certainly been acting like a swooning schoolgirl, and it wasn’t Ember.

  I taught my remaining classes on autopilot, and I couldn’t have recalled what I or any of my students said if my life depended on it. I was immensely grateful that Ember’s early morning class had already come and gone. I never would have had enough control to keep my emotions off my face with her sitting in my classroom.

  The hours until the final bell dragged like days. I had the final period of the day free, and I went into the faculty lounge, hoping a cup of strong coffee might fortify my nerves. Laura was sitting at one of the small tables, grading a stack of essays. “Afternoon, Adam,” she said absently when I walked in.

  I replied with a curt greeting as I poured my coffee, thankful that Laura was the only other teacher in the office. I doubted my tattered nerves have endured the inane chatter of a group of gossiping teachers. I tried to make a hasty exit with my coffee, but a talkative mood seemed to suddenly strike Laura.

  “How’s that independent study with Ember going?” she asked, putting down her pen and turning her full attention onto me.

  I inwardly winced, hoping my face didn’t resemble a deer in headlights as much as I felt it did. “Great,” I answered. “She turned in a first draft today. I’ve only had time to give it a quick read through, but I’m pleased with her efforts thus far.” Every word seemed to have taken on another meaning in the last few hours, and my guilty mind imagined that Laura knew exactly what Ember had done to please me earlier.

  “I’d definitely like to see a copy of the final once she gets that to you. Fantasy literature was never my cup of tea, but maybe she can convince me otherwise.”

  “Of course,” I agreed robotically. “I’m going to go get caught up on some grading myself. Those essays do pile up, don’t they?” I made my escape before Laura could rope me more fully into conversation and shut myself back into the solitude of my office to wait for the end of the day and Ember’s arrival.

  I knew what I needed to do. I needed to tell her that the kiss had been a mistake that would never happen again. Discontinuing her independent study would have aroused far too much suspicion among the faculty, and I had no desire to punish Ember for my lapse in judgment, but the study sessions in my office had to be immediately discontinued. We’d work in the library from now on. I didn’t trust myself to be alone with her.

  The bell rang, the loud jangle picking at my frayed nerves even more. The minutes ticked by as I waited for her to arrive, not even bothering with the illusion of distracting myself with grading.

  The doorknob turned and Ember appeared in my doorway. She closed the heavy wooden door behind her and clicked the lock, ensuring we wouldn’t be disturbed. I opened my mouth to speak, but she cut me off with a raised hand.

  “I know you’ve probably spent the last few hours convincing yourself that this was all your doing and that you’re a horrible person for taking advantage of an innocent young girl. But you’re wrong on both counts.” She dropped her backpack and coat on the floor, not bothering to look where they landed. “I kissed you. I wanted to. And I want to do it again.” She crept closer to me, moving slowly around the barrier of the desk. She stood beside me, beautiful and fearless and so sure that what she was doing was right.

  “If you can really look me in the eyes and say you don’t want this as much as I do, I’ll go right now. I’ll finish my paper, and I’ll come to class, and I won’t say another word.” I looked up into her clear blue eyes and saw the plea for truth in them. I could lie to her and kill this thing growing between us before it ever had a chance to blossom, or I could take what I wanted and risk damning us both.

  In one quick motion, I pulled her down onto my lap and her mouth was on my own, kissing with the desperation of two lonely souls finally discovering each other. My hands tangled in her windblown hair, and I ceased caring about the rules or what would happen to both our lives if we were discovered. There was just her lips against mine and the web of her long limbs pressing against my own.

  And we were both lost.

  SLOW BURN

  Ember

  Most people never wake up one morning knowing that their life will change completely that day. Maybe on the first day of college or a new job, we’ll think things will be different, but what of those regular days? I certainly didn’t walk into school on an ordinary Monday in March expecting to spend two hours wrapped in my teacher’s arms.

  I’d expected him to tell me our first kiss had been a mistake, but I don’t think even he realized how stricken he looked when I walked in. The thought that he’d been spending hours hating himself for tainting some imaginary virtue of mine angered me more than I expected.

  I silenced whatever words he had prepared with a few of my own, even offering him an out if he really wanted to take it. I meant what I said. I wasn’t going to moon after him like a lovesick little girl if he really wanted to write that kiss off as a mistake.

  I stood beside him, anticipating a bit more proper British protestations but instead he surprised us both by yanking me down onto his lap and answering with another kiss.

  My limited sexual experiences had been unimpressive to say the least. Intellectually, I knew my body was built with the capacity for immense pleasure, but teenage boys aren’t terribly giving in any aspects.

  Cloistered inside Adam’s office, I felt the ice that had settled around my heart for the last two years crack. Like a spring thaw, my rivers crested and flowed under his touch. I forgot that we were in his office, separated from the eyes of the other students and faculty by just a few inches of worn oak.

  We pulled apart for a moment, both of us breathing hard, and Adam gazed up at me with a look of wonderment, like he almost couldn’t believe I was real. “Ember,” he said, twisting a strand of my hair around his finger. “We need to make some rules, if this is going to happen.”

  “Mmm-hmm,” I agreed, kissing his neck. His adam’s apple bobbed beneath my lips as he swallowed reflexively. “Rules are good. Rule #1 – we do this at least once a day.” I pushed my hands down his chest, feeling the muscles beneath the baggy wool sweater he wore. My hands reached his belt, and I felt him tense. He grabbed my wrists, preventing me from going any farther.

  “No. Not yet.” My head snapped up, but it was my turn to fall silent. “Believe me, I want you, Ember. You have no idea how much, but this means something. The first time I make love to you isn’t going to be on the floor of my office, worrying that a janitor’s going to walk in.”

  I shivered at his words. “I hope that’s a promise.”

  Adam nodded solemnly. “I’ve never been more serious, Ember.” He gave me one last lingering kiss before saying reluctantly, “I should drive you home.”

  “My car’s here.” I climbed off his lap and immediately missed the contact. “And you being seen driving me home probably isn’t the best idea.” I tried to smooth my messy hair and rumbled clothes. “How do I look?” I asked, picking my coat up from where I’d carelessly tossed it earlier.

  “Beautiful.”

  Dusk had fallen while we’d been hiding away in Adam’s windowless office. The night air swirled around me, bringing with it the scents of rain and soil. Spring rode in on that breeze.

  I wanted to tell someone. The heat of Ada
m’s affection warmed me from the inside out, and I wished, for just a moment, that I was one of those giggling girls who would spend hours every night with a phone glued to her ear. Even if our budding relationship didn’t require total secrecy, the only person I could really imagine wanting to talk with was. . . Adam.

  I sat in my car with the heat running, trying to force myself to drive home. I didn’t want to walk up my driveway and see my mother cooking dinner through the kitchen window while my father continued his perpetual battle with ice on the front steps. Coming back to reality after hours of losing myself with Adam just felt too jarring.

  If I had thought that coming home would be jarring, I had no concept of how strange it would be to walk into Adam’s classroom the next morning and see him sitting at his desk and sifting through a stack of papers. He looked up at me, and his lips quirked into a small smile.

  “All right everyone, settle down,” he said, bringing the class to order. My mind wandered as Adam lectured. I actually liked book we were currently slogging though, The Scarlet Letter, but the only sinful behavior I could focus on that morning was the kind I intended to engage in as soon as I got Adam alone.

  I felt a pen jab my arm, and I glanced to my left to see Angie smirking at me. “You’re leering,” she whispered.

  “Shut up!” I mouthed, even though I knew she was probably right.

  Angie’s smile melted and she leaned back in her chair. I didn’t need to look over m shoulder to know that Adam was standing there. “Is there something amusing you ladies would like to share with the class?” he asked, his voice a low monotone.

  “No, Mr. Edwards,” I said, sweetly.

  “Good.” He continued his circuit of the room, and I tried to focus on his lecture and failed miserably. All I could hear was the rough sound of his breath in my ear as his lips traced the contours of my neck. I shifted in my seat.